Survivor
by HeyLegolas
Summary: AU In which Remus survives the Battle of Hogwarts, and now has to live with the physical and emotional damage, as well as bringing up his son on his own.
1. Chapter 1

_A/N- So Lupin is one of my favourite characters and I hated that he was killed off, so I guess this is an AU is which Remus survives the battle of Hogwarts and how he lives with the after effects. I love hearing from you so please review and give me some constructive criticism (and ideas!)_

He woke, already scarred arms, back and face scratched and torn, aching wearily. Remus hadn't realised that he was alive until he felt the breeze on his face, the taste of the early May air in his lungs. He was laid out among the dead. Apparently, no one else has realised that he was alive, either.

Looking around him, he saw that people were in various stages of grief: a small, dark haired woman shaking her limp son, denying that he was gone, trying to wake him up. A group of taller witches, crying out for their fallen friend. George Weasley, silently holding his twin, staring out of the shattered window, deaf to the cries and sobbing of those around him.

He moved his fingers, checking that he still had control over his body, free from paralysis. Something cold made contact with his right hand. He turned to face the body next to him. Although he didn't know the face, he recognised the expression. Death had changed her; Nymphadora Tonks had reverted back to her original body, bubblegum-pink hair lost, soft brown in its place, and a kind, heart-shaped face, with a faded mask of wilfulness. Remus realised that he had never seen what his wife really looked like.

He rose, wordless, soundless, trying to clear the noise of the Great Hall from his head. No one noticed him leave.

He found himself next to the lake. Remus didn't know how he had got there, exactly; he assumed that he had walked himself, but he could not remember the journey. Something gleamed golden by the water's edge. A locket. He recognised it, his own, a picture inside of Tonks and baby Teddy. Instead of opening it, he stood and threw it as far out into the lake as he could with a wounded scream. He had lost friends, and people he regarded as more than friends, before. It didn't make the pain of losing another any less.

Three others were stood further down the waterline. They, too, were bloody and bruised, but instead of tending their wounds, they were bathing in the evening sunlight, warming themselves in the sun. Hermione was the first to notice Lupin limping towards them. She let out a surprised, strangled cry and sprinted along the edge of the lake towards him. Harry and Ron, waking from their trances and noticing their former Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher, followed her.

"Professor, I-I'm... He's gone, he's dead, Voldemort's dead, but... I'm sorry, I'm so sorry-" She embraced him tightly, ignoring how _inappropriate it was to hug a teacher_, and her words rushed out in a tidal wave of simultaneous panic and relief. Harry and Ron stood around awkwardly, heads down, avoiding eye contact.

For the first time that day, a tear escaped from Lupin's tired eye.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two

_A/N – I am getting great responses from you guys so thank you so much! _

There was a buzz of activity within The Burrow. The front door was propped open with a plant pot, letting the evening breeze air the house. Remus knocked anyway, holding the small bundle he was holding closer to his chest. Ron came to the door, lopsided grin on his face, and invited him in.

The smell of Mrs Weasley's cooking drifted around the cramped hallways and cosy rooms. A week after the Battle of Hogwarts, everything was back to normal. Almost. There were people shaped holes in the relative happiness.

Ron called for his mother, and Molly Weasley came hurrying up to him. She greeted Remus and hugged him tightly, and he shifted the bundle so it was out of the way. It gave a small gurgle. Molly leapt back, and gazed down at the baby with the turquoise hair.

"This is Teddy." Lupin smiled sheepishly as Mrs Weasley cooed over his son. It made him proud that everyone seemed to instantly adore him, though he suspected that it was everyone's automatic reaction to seeing any baby, even one with normal coloured hair.

"Oh, he's beautiful! I'd almost forgotten that he was staying with us too... it's been a long time since there's been a baby in the house!"

Remus nodded tiredly and gave a polite yawn. It had been a long journey, and he was exhausted.

"Oh, I should probably show you to your room... Ron! George! Fetch Remus' bags for him, will you?"

George looked just as, or more, tired and depressed than Lupin. The usual cheeky grin had faded, his eyes dulled. He looked like he hadn't slept for days.

He picked up a few of Lupin's bags and trudged upstairs behind his younger brother without comment. He seemed emotionally numb.

"He's been having nightmares, poor thing," Molly seemed to read his mind, "There isn't a lot I can think to do. We make a calming draught, but he feels so _guilty_, no matter how much we tell him it wasn't his fault..."

They followed him upstairs. Lupin's temporary room seemed to be Bill's old one- he had stayed here before. He was thankful that the Weasleys were able to move back into the Burrow after they had to hide at Shell Cottage. It was cosy and homely here.

Remus set out his things. Teddy gurgled happily from his cot. His toys where all in there with him; his enchanted bunny, his stuffed pygmy puff, the weirdly realistic hooting owl, and all of the other assorted stuffed and enchanted things. Teddy Lupin was one of the most spoiled children in the wizarding world.

Nearing the bottom of Remus' bag was a calendar. He stopped and stared at it, pulse raised. In the excitement, fear, denial and depression of the last week, he had totally forgotten.

Two days until 11th May, 1998.

Full moon.


	3. Chapter 3

_A/N: Wow thank you everyone! I've never gotten such a good response on a story before, it makes me really happy!_

Remus hurried down the lane of The Burrow, racing against the daylight. Where to, he didn't know; there must be an abandoned house, or a cave, or a mine shaft or _something _that he could transform in. He had to get away- he couldn't risk the lives of the others.

Too late. He doubled over, fingers scratching at his face and neck, with nails growing rapidly. His skin itched and burned as hairs forced their way through his skin. With an agonising ache, his bones elongated as if they were merely rubber.

He lifted his wolfish head and stared accusingly at the orb-like moon.

He didn't know how long he had been out there when it came. Silvery, loping towards him slowly at first. Then the huge stag came galloping towards him, stopping suddenly. The werewolf's mind became more clear. He became aware of his location and surroundings, and conscious to how Harry's patronus looked just like James.

Fleur and Molly dabbed at his self-inflicted wounds and muttered in assorted English and French. Remus hung his head, ashamed at himself for being something he couldn't change.

"I'm being too much trouble." He said abruptly. The two women stopped and looked at him.

"No, you're not, dear." Molly replied kindly.

"I should go. I'm a danger and a burden, it would be better for everyone if-"

"_Pour l'amour de Dieu!_" Fleur threw down the soft cloth she was using to wipe the blood off of Lupin's arms, "Pull yourself together! What are you going to by yourself, eh? You need to think better of yourself! Stop assuming that everyone wants you out!" The Frenchwoman flung her hands up. Remus' shoulders slumped. He knew all of this. He told himself this every day.

Somehow, someone else telling him made it hit home harder.

"Okay."

Teddy was growing fast. Today his hair was bright, flaming red: "Blending in with the Weasleys!" Harry smirked as he took a seat beside Remus outside. It was a beautiful day. Teddy gurgled, grabbing at Harry's glasses. They both laughed- everyone had started to cheer up over the last few days. Even George seemed to have dropped a considerable weight from his shoulders, and was back to designing products.

"You said that you wanted to talk to me?"

"Yes. Thank you for producing that patronus."

"S'alright." He shrugged.

"That was clever thinking. I'm proud. Say, remember when I first met you on the Hogwarts Express, Harry?"

"When you made the dementors go away?" He smiled, "I vaguely recall it, yes."

"You didn't ask how I knew who you were."

"Because everyone knows who I am. The scar, I guess."

"No... because you look just like James."

"I know that now. Everyone says that. _You_'ve said that, twice now."

"But it was true. And so does your patronus. Spitting image of your father's animagus form. I loved your father, and Sirius, Harry, and I don't think that I truly loved anyone since."

Harry thought for a moment, and then: "Not even Tonks?"

Lupin realised that he was holding his breath. He breathed out slowly, questioning himself. _Did _he really love her? Yes, of course- but not in the same way that he had loved the two friends that had made him feel accepted, _normal_.

"Yes- I don't know." he finally sighed. Teddy wriggled in his arms. His little face was twisted in concentration, and gradually his hair changed from red to pale blond.

"Remus," Harry asked, "what happened at Hogwarts? I can tell that you blame yourself for what happened. _Something _happened."

"That's because it was my fault. Something did happen, yes."

Harry continued to look at him, not saying a word, inviting him to continue. Remus sighed.

"I was fighting Dolohov. I could see- she was fighting Bellatrix, and- "

"Yes?"

"No. No, I can't." Lupin scooped Teddy up and stood up.


	4. Chapter 4

A/N - Sorry guys, I've kinda neglected this (I was hoping to get the new chapter done a few days ago but nope no inspiration, and this chapter's only going to be a shorty I'm sorry)

I saw this headcanon and I decided it would be perfect for my fic so the chocolate thing is inspired by this: post/87377895216/yesterday-evening-i-was-wondering-why-remus-loved

Enjoy! (and please remember to review, and leave your own headcanons- If I like them, I will put them in the story!)

There was a bar of chocolate on his bed. This was Hermione's doing, he assumed. She seemed to just _know_ when people needed cheering up.

It was good chocolate. Honeydukes' white, the flavour he had favoured as a child. He thought back, to before he had met his brilliant, beautiful friends.

_The puppy was limp and panting in seven year old Remus' arms._

_"Chocolate is poisonous for dogs!" his mother tried not to sound angry. Yet little Lupin still felt guilty._

_He pulled out the chocolate stash from under his bed and cram-ate a year's worth of Christmas and Easter presents. He was ill for two days, but happy, thinking that it had worked; that it had poisoned the wolf inside him._

_Two weeks later he fell into depression when it hadn't worked._

Another memory cropped up into his mind.

_On the Hogwarts Express, the only seat left was with two loud, dark haired boys. He hovered outside the door, afraid to go in. Sirius Black noticed and invited him in._

_The food-trolley lady came past halfway through the journey. James Potter dared the other dark haired boy to steal some chocolate. Sirius accepted the challenge, and Remus looked on in abject horror._

_"Why d'you look so scared?" James asked afterwards when he realised that the mousy-haired boy was rooted to his seat, trying to disappear into the corner._

_"You could have got in trouble! Before the year even started!" Remus wasn't surprised when they started laughing at him. His phobia of breaking rules was always a humour point. He was, however, surprised when they gave him the chocolate bar and promised to show him how to have fun._

He broke off a square of chocolate and placed it on his tongue, savouring the taste. A warmth spread through him, and he felt good.

Hermione was in the garden with Ron, playing with Teddy. Lupin smiled as he watched them- Ron amused by the baby, but looking afraid that he would break him (Tonks had made that observation about himself once, Remus recalled), Hermione interacting with him as if she had read how to from a textbook (possible, he thought). Harry appeared beside Remus moments later, grinning with him.


End file.
